constant reviews
there are always periods of time when i flop into the bush thinking about life.
when life is actually about living, once in a while we tend to jus think about how we want to go about living it.
and for me, its the time now.
like how i say i had forgotten about myself being pathetically single who has jus a brief encounter with love, i thought maybe i need some adjustments now.
adjust to become more independent, and maybe more cynical.
but i dun wish to be cynical like some who had struck love so easily but end up still a grumbling single who thought why haven she gotten married. beautiful and cheery, then why arent u settled down when its what u longed for always? certainly there is a problem with herself which she cant see. then be beautiful and cheery and single then.
for me, i might be jus as cynical when i was single, bitter about why i am still unattached.
but when one gets unattached, didnt i lose some of my individuality and used up a certain amount of time planning for the both of us?
i do willingly, because quality time is really needed for couples.
driving and driving, me with a purpose but sometimes it does seems that i am the only one pursuing. i do 10, u do 1. then i start to wonder... maybe its really the way u are.
what about me?
or maybe its not jus in love that i do the plannings, i realised most of my friends do turn to me in planning for events.. hmm or maybe its me that is too kaypoh.
but after the planning i then to sometimes have negative feelings which are not healthy to every sort of relationships.
or maybe thats why i slipped into loner mode when i was in sec school and jc. it seems much more easier to go about doing my own stuffs.
of cos, its not very high EQ for me to go back to loner mode again because i realised in living a life, humans need to interact with other beings. it makes life more eventful though sweet and sour is the flavour.
recently i bought a t-shirt with the writings: i love berry, its sweet and sour.
sometimes it seems it explains.
okok, perk up in a cloudy day is what i want to do.
enjoy everyone around me.
gliding above the clouds while on plane is actually a relevation.
rain or shine below u, around the plane is always a blinding white.
always look above the mortally world in times of dire. its not an escape, but a let go.
no no, i am not a nun to be.
we should be reminded of how sweet our lives are always
actually i am really a very fortunate girl. but sometimes as what my good fren said we tend to make up grey views in life because we did not really encounter any difficulties and hard times, as the chinese saying says "wu bing sheng ying", groaning a fake illness.
but as fortunate beings we are, we never know what bad times are, so we make them up and try to feel depressed and come up with unwelcoming sights of life.
yes, as analysing this strange behaviour, i join in them sometimes, when i am too free.
with families and frens and a good boyfriend, i always feel i am blessed.
maybe its jus the norm for us arty( not a lot, a bit lah ) ppl, we want to feel the feels of life, to reach the extreme emotions which will bring the psychotic high rush through our nerves.
jus like how my junior claim to see beauty in the virginia tech massacre, and got me worried for her mental state. reality and literary imagination are 2 different arena and we should never mistake them for one co-existent world. for ideals and beliefs are different when carried out in real life.
we need to be reminded of how sweet our real life are really, and not fall into the made up world of imagined tortured minds.
life may be a bit rough for some of my friends, but be reminded that our lives are really sweet and treasured by our loved ones.
*the news jus flashed that laptops are bad for health when placed on the laps of children. and i have my laptop on my lap now... but arent laptops for the laps? hmm.. who knows maybe there will be ___tops in the near future. haha *
maybe i shall really go for a good hobby
what do i like to do during my free time?
what do i have as a hobby?
when we fill in personal details, these are the formalities we have to fill up.
reading, writing, watching tv
well, these are jus some of the things i most commonly do.
i do enjoy doing them, but hmm.. do i really treat them as a hobby?
sometimes i really wonder what are my hobbies when i feel bored and hmm.. frustrated.
something u can really bang your anger with, something which u can use to express your emotions. but i mean.. what about reading? i cant vent my anger with a book quietly in my hands. maybe i can do it with writing, but beautiful proses do not come as naturally to u when the heat is all concentrated in your head. watching tv... well, i guess its not really quite a hobby as ... dun everyone watches tv these days when we feel bored?
its jus weird if i do label these activities as my hobby.
what do i like when i was young, when i think i can choose what i want to do in the future?
i like art and i like to read.
being jus an average child, i do not appear to be someone who do really excel in certain field of work. maybe my studies are above the average, but there is a desire in me to really excel and shine and blind the eyes of my surrounding people.
however, i always comes in second, the second best, the second choice and well, maybe as a second child.
isnt it funny when i have an essay which won a merit award in my jc's literary award., and there i wrote about me being jus a second. and well... i jus won a merit award, not shiny and not blinding, jus hmm.. a bit bright and noticeable by people. do people remember me? maybe vaguely.
speaking of this, it seems i have a low self esteem of myself.
but i am confident and hold true to my beliefs though maybe sometimes they grow weak when i am low. and i guess this period is when i am low.
and ya, u think whether u have a life when u are low. everyone seems to be better off than u are, when everyone in fact are also having their own problems and heart wretching situations. humans are well always having veiled personality.
ya so, should i go for a hobby?
when i should actually learn it in shanghai when i have more free time to myself. but time flies and well, its about time i come back to singapore and till then i think i should go back to art. start living a life for myself, when i now briefly forget how was like 9 months ago.
its so incredibly weird and funny. i forgot about the me which i lived with 22 years ago.
ok, hobby.
maybe i should try to look for art lessons... oil canvas which i always appreciated in galleries.
its really time to put thoughts into actions.
stop dreaming and start living.
our dreams and beliefs... they tend to hit head on with reality.
no matter how strong they are, compromise is needed in reality. with the other people living in the same world with us, we need to not really lower ourselves, but accept them and changes our colour tone in order to blend in better with our loved ones.
life is really interesting to live it out. what cant we solve? what rough times we cannot sail out?
though we become more cynical as time goes by, but we learn to be stronger in life and become more independent. there is nothing we cant work out.
remembering my 2007 resolution,
i want to live the world with bright colours for life is already filled with many unseen events, and uncertainties. i want to live it with bright and shine, for myself for others. its never a loss to pass on happiness and not live with regrets of any sorts.
its really short and we really have to live it out with passion.
i treat people whole heartedly... though i cannot expect the same for others, but i have my belief to pass on positive feelings for people ard me.
erm.. though i still tend to be emo emo in front of my loved ones, but hope the group of people to see the emo emo me shrink.
u provide me with a shelter and wall to lend on to when i am down.
everyone will need a shelter and i hope i also provide people i love with shelter and support.
一个月的离开
他说我不适合留学，但我也这样挨过了四年。选择挨是因为当中参杂了许多的难受、受伤和困难。而不是我不适合留学。
心常常系在家，为什么就被视为不适合留学？
不知道。
四年这样一转眼就过去了，本来以为会有的痛苦不知怎么的我到现在还没有感受到。他们因此觉得遗憾。听到这个，我当下不知道要有什么反应。
我只知道我把人和地方已经分开了。
对中国，我们本来就有不一样的期待，到最后的感情也就不同。
我匆匆离开，是因为我不舍得他们吗？不是的，我敢说这句话，因为我知道我现在需要做的是什么，而我选择这样做。
虽然，他们承认了我的选择，但是一直给我的回应是他们舍不得，他们觉得遗憾。
但，我又不是不回来。
我要做的事情只能够在家里做，为什么我不这么做呢？因为我知道我还会回来的，又不是我不回来。
在大家都在互相忙碌的时候让我也去忙我应该忙碌的事情为什么就这么困难？
到最后的第二分钟，我感到莫名其妙的束缚。因为牵挂的束缚，不是厌烦的束缚。
我们这些朋友家人，用亲情把友谊紧紧包裹，而我的短暂离开对他们来说就像是孩子远游一样。不舍，但是尊重了我的选择，只是罗索几句让我心里难过是必不可少的。
罗嗦了那么多，我要说的是，
有人因为我一个月的离开而感到不舍，其实我是多么的幸福。
原来一直心疼19岁的自己
和朋友走在校园内的街上，聊起了毕业前的心情，自己试图向自己总结一番。
我还记得第一天来到复旦的日子，那时候的我傻傻的。19岁的天真烂漫小女孩对异乡大学生活抱着无限的向往和用不尽的活力。
一直以来都是黏着妈妈的小孩，小时候到阿姨家过夜还会在晚上刮风时候大哭起来吵着我要回家，我要回家。
第一天的复旦，有很多的琐事要处理，报名注册、宿舍、注册银行户口、购买日常用品等。炎热的夏天，学长带着我绕了整个五角场，但是我却完全认不清楚我的方位，就知道跟着走。现在对五角场已经非常熟悉，但是却怎样也在找不到当时学长带我走过的路。哈哈，还有点像少女的桃花源记吧。
留学就是要学习长大，而成长过程中原来需要很多的忍耐。
四年的留学生活当中，直到昨天晚上谈起，我不知道原来对自己而言忍耐了多少，谈着谈着，眼泪不自觉的留了下来，就连自己也惊讶。刚开始经常对话筒里面传出来家人的声音而泣不成声，虽然次数渐渐变少，但昨晚谈到那一段回忆时，沉重的情绪又再次涌上心头，眼泪就不自觉地掉了下来。
心有余悸，有点用词不当但是我真的对那种感觉感到害怕。
走了过来，身心都成长了不少，现在可以比较好控制自己但是真的，还是佩服19岁的自己。你走了过来。
大二时候，好友来到复旦交流一学期。当时真的很开心，也很享受两人一起的生活。生活不缺乏矛盾，了解也因此会从中萌芽。
这时候对于感情也认识了很多，被拒绝的发式原来可以被伪装得那么优雅，耍得我还因此情痴痴。之后我也伤害了人，还是感到对不起。因为年轻所以冲动，时过境迁，成长就是发生很多的复杂戏码。
大三，复旦新加坡学生暴涨。一次来了8个新生，让我好不高兴。以幼稚大姐大的身份协助他们，给的心思希望他们又感受到。
大四了，对最后一年的上海感觉没有舍不得。每个人都说因为我已为儿女私情心系祖国所以不再有留恋。但是真的，离乡背井四年已经够了，回家的时间到了。
我崇尚自由，但是谁说自由的人不可以回家？
about being cynical
we were jus talking about feeling old over msn, and thats how she told me about her trigger for the search back to youth. oh dear, its a break-up with her bf of 7 years.
love is really a wonderful and hateful thing.
when in love, we tend to think of nothing about our self. no spelling err here, its self.
individuality disappeared, maybe thats why britney sings when 2 becomes 1, thus no individuality is allowed.
its wonderful when we have a person to depend on, and grow old together. and so, the picture of 2 snowy-haired old persons hand in hand strolling in the garden.
its hateful, when there are sorrows.
but when is sorrow invisible in life.
in arguements, we cry, we blame and we scold. one kept slient and apologise, quietly taking the blame for what he did and did not.
love is blind, not becos of its negative effects, but becos its dazzling smile upon lovers.
so blind that we willed to move forward regardless of the rubbles which some routes lead to.
but when love chooses to unblind u, u become cynical.
becos now that u see the rubble and ruins left to endure.
why did u not see it coming??
becos we were blind and thought all will go well for we willed to go on.
or maybe we had grown up.
its scary when first lovers in a long time r/s breaks.
what had they missed out saying to each other in the process?
what had gone wrong?
why didnt they ask each other what's wrong? and what's changed?
maybe thats why ppl say dun think too much and jus treasure the present bliss, but arent u afraid too?
how do one really enjoy the present if there is unclarity in the future?
i dun like being cynical like i was a year ago when i question uncertainty in everything.
willed... to oasis.
type of girl i dun like... a random thing out of thesis
haha, jus a out of the blue entry... jus that the girl seated in front of me now doesnt give me a pleasant feeling...
so she is a korean.. thought she was a shanghainese.
the way she eats her yoghurt exhibit a proud aura ard her. decent looking but when she sways her body to the music, i dun have a good feeling..
it doesnt seems that she is really enjoying the music, but jus that she is showing off her hmmm... a bit f over confident?
haha...
and she closes the toilet door a bit too hard.
and her bf eats his ice cream all the way with his head down.
hmm....
well actually, i dun like the way she eats her ice cream.
My set of game
Many a times, we listen to past stories about how we should carry out our r/s, what are the things to look out for and attitudes we have to give in r/s.
Many a times, a girl dates with a boy, and a boy dates with a girl.
Many a times, we thought this is all the same, we should have the same rules in this dating game.
I thought I should join them in this game and obey the rules jus like others.
but slowly I realized that its impossible to abide by the same rules.
I believe and strive to work this precious one r/s right through the tunnel.
And they say people dun work out their first. We are set to prove them wrong.
I want to believe him for what he wants to do though with worries but I decided to trust him for it’s the same as respect for his integrity.
And she say be careful when he/she goes out with another single woman/man alone.
There are jus so many rules which people set after many trials and errors.
But those who came later fail to see that each r/s is unique and there will sure be some difference in your own little game.
Guess we are different in our game and we want to make our the unique one without being any follower.
Hearing your voice melts me, gentle and tender touching me deep inside the heart.
