A Living Catalyst

猫和青蛙的情景

2008-10-20T21:08:00.002+08:00

在个倾盆大雨的早晨，因为要避雨，我沿着组屋楼下走着。
就这样，我看到了一只猫和青蛙。

两只小动物面对面相望，两物脑里各想各事。
青蛙四肢抓着地面，那气管还是颈项依旧忽小忽大地喘着。两眼乌黑突出，天真地恍惚。
猫，在我的眼中是神秘、狡猾，总是会突如其来地吓着你。
猫咪一向姿态高贵，看上眼的东西必得到手，手段也是一流的高招。

两只小东西面面相觑，我也真不知道接下来会发生什么事，就是因为下大雨，所以我和两物正好同时出现在组屋楼下。
也没有时间多留意观察，但是或许结果是命案一场。

胃痛三大禁忌一次全做完

2008-09-11T23:18:00.004+08:00

今天是一个愉快的一天，在心情上来说。但是在这个躯体上又是另外一次受刑时间。自作自受，说这是因果报应不为过。圣人明知不可为，而为之，是为了正义之事，而我则是为了口福之欲。

胃痛三大禁忌：咖啡、红茶、冰淇淋。

今天的我像是着了什么，竟然一一下肚。所以从刚才到现在的肚子就是抽筋、方松，抽筋、放松。面对咖啡和茶，我有许多的顾虑，所以喝了那杯咖啡后，胃又在翻天覆地。下午时候，又因为诱惑而喝了。

戒口了一段时间，最近却开始松口。
要再戒口。

赤壁

2008-08-07T23:13:00.002+08:00

今天和学校的高年级学生以及一些老师浩浩荡荡地到戏院看《赤壁》。

电影已经播放很久了，但是因为种种原因而没有去看。终于在今天打进戏院观看也算是一种和电影的缘分，还和这么多孩子一起观看，真是令人兴奋。

首先，令我印象深刻的是“赵子龙”。一看到这个人物，不竟令我想起我们的一位先辈者，原来他的风采和德行确实让人敬仰，那份忠心和勇敢莫泛泛之辈所能相比。只是同事提到她心中的“赵子龙”应该是全身白，加上白马，但戏里的他却是满脸的尘土和血迹，所以感到失望了。读书的人就是这般浪漫，明知沙场无法让人干干净净，但文字间留给我们的想象空间却是能将环境和形象化分为二，真是天真烂漫。这是褒义的。

关羽，关公的塑像和画我们看多了，心中的既有一个固定形象。果真，关公的造型没有让我失望，连虽然不是大红，但是真实的脸孔也不可能有大红的，所以他那种淡红相当理想，没有让我经验幻想破灭的感受。还有，他那杀敌后把刀再次放下的典型姿势，绝对完美。就像活生生从我脑海、画像、塑像走出来似的。

特别注意的就是这两位圣人。

或许战争片就应该把重点放在斗智斗勇，如果硬生生为了男女演员的比例为题而让战士和情欲挂钩也未免太多“感情泛滥”了。

随传随到

2008-08-06T20:26:00.002+08:00

有个人，他随传随到。从呱呱坠地，到呀呀儿语，即使到了花样年华时期，他依然在我们身边，或是远处，等着我们的随处随到。

嘴巴挑剔的姐姐和我，因为妈妈早上煮粥没什么小菜可配便提出了意见。应该有素肉松和香姑条来配粥比较开胃嘛，我和姐姐总是对家中的菜单意见多多。只是向爸爸讲了一次，今天回到家，看到了两罐的素肉松和一包的香菇条。

有时候，爸爸还能够随传随到。早上我去那儿，只要没有妨碍到他上班的时间，晚上，只要没有影响到他园艺的时间，我们只要轻声问到，爸爸大部分时间都会在我们去。那几次，爸爸还自愿到外载我，担心我太晚回家，饿了肚子。这些，心里都一一数着。

心里暖暖的，期待下一次的早餐粥，一边吃着妈妈的爱心粥，一边陪着爸爸买的小菜。

男人与朋友

2008-07-27T11:50:00.001+08:00

友人常常在创作中把男人之间的关系塑造的暧昧、缠绵，心灵深处总有一个角落只能由另一个男人来填补。当然，这好似关系到个人性倾向的问题，但是或许友人所说的是一种事实，只是它不是一种性倾向的问题，而是男人与男人之前的兄弟情结。

朋友第一，友谊万岁，在朋友面前，他们可以赴汤蹈火在所不惜。但是当在非朋友面前，出一趟门或是约出来聊个天，上个月，漫个步，像是要他赴汤蹈火后再跑个三项铁人还要难的一件事。或许，在埋怨和纠缠后会妥协，但是像是苦苦哀求一般。

快离题了……
就是，男人的友谊真的很纠缠。很多的道听途说告诉我们，男人与男人之前真的会存在着一种同性相吸的感情。难道你们没听说过，在监狱和兵营里，这群男人会胡闹地互相进攻吗？就只是为了好玩，他们能够疯狂起来。又或者说，他们疯狂起来时，脑子里就只有玩。而玩乐在这群大孩子当中是最为重要的事情，他们尽量避免沉重的话题，和一些琐碎会有连锁后果的活动。这是男人和男人之前不会存在的事情。拿一个“X”和“Y”的比喻，就是当精子和精子相互碰撞时，它们就只是相互嬉戏，但是当精子和卵子相互撞击，它们将结合成为另一个生命。一个将会繁衍的物体，这就代表了麻烦。

到头来，好像真的如友人所说的，男人的内心世界总是有一个角落只能由男人来填补。

当然，我是以一个女人来看待这个问题，必定读起来纠缠的不得来，像是在滋生什么琐碎的问题。但是面对这种问题，我无法战胜男人，所以只能够采取这种消极的部落格方法排解一下。

男人看了必定想：别把男人和女人的问题相提并论，因为是两个问题。

不过，女人就是爱纠缠，而我又是一个纠缠的女人，怎么办。

bringing myself to do something

2008-06-16T13:16:00.002+08:00

the week had finally arrived.

we are supposed to report to work today, but some schools do require their staff to report only a few days later. and i am one of them! ahha...

happy.. but i know i will end up nua-ing at home again.

i plan to pack my books ans stuffs.. all brought back to home early may and seriously, i have not unpack them even a single bit. so nua lah...

hai.. haha

but i go to do something productive today.

so i went to the atm to get a new password, went to collect my dress from the laundry.

come back home and print my excuse letter, check my bank transaction and then surf ard a few blogs.. and though.. i should be writing as well right?

so here i am writing.

btu i dunno really know what to write.

feeling sian... recently.. becos work is starting but i am not doing any work-related stuff as yet. and also felt i haven rest enough.

hmm.. wat is resting? holidaying? or jus sleeping in watching tv and doing nothing?

and i haven been exercising as well.. my amore is jus a gone case..

many things not learnt and many things un-learnt.

oh life.... as a nuaing person is no good!!!!!!

i got to find back my dynamic life!!!!!

the many disasters

2008-05-21T11:58:00.002+08:00

entering into another stage of my life...after uni, after nie and now stepping into my teaching career.
strangely, it seems the world has also moved itself into another stage in its cycle.

i had a strange dream yesterday night. it was a dream with heavy rain. so heavy that i was worried a flood would occur. but ok... i am always overly worried over floods, yes, esp floods. seeing endless rain and gloomy skies does not bring joy to me. it brings a moment of fear and unsettling.
ya.. and yesterday dream, was not pleasant.
like how ppl says, a dream reflects what we think in the daytime.
so yes... i thought about the recent major disasters that happened ard the world.

it upsets me, and i wonder how much i can help these people.
but it is not enough to help them after disasters happened upon them, but most importantly to help them, to prevent more disasters from happening to them in the future.
how can we prevent these?

it may happen because of our accumulative karma.
and how to minimise this karmic disaster is sort of our role.

to stay positive, to care and to love more.
it is hard not to be selfish, and its trying to stay good and positive.
but it seems there is only 1 way. and humans are born to grow upwards.
lets try together. make good use of our only chance.
every new day is another only chance.

一人份的下午茶

2008-03-22T11:45:00.002+08:00

选了很久，站在玻璃窗前认真
想象嘴里的滋味
口感、甜度和下咽后的余味
在神农水晶肚的消化过程
一个紧接一个的详细步骤
深究甚久

Can I have a piece of vanilla sponge cake
and a latte.

香草蛋糕夹着果酱
甜度适中，有些粗
果然称得上Granny's vanilla sponge cake with raspberry jam

配上饮料
菜单字条上推荐
great to go with coffee

原来
苦不会调和甜味
甜也不会调和苦味
味蕾从不做数学的加碱计算

一口蛋糕，接一口latte
蛋糕的甜加上苦latte
latte更苦
一口latte，接一口蛋糕
苦latte加上蛋糕的甜
蛋糕更甜

甜上加苦更苦
苦上加甜更甜

Granny's vanilla sponge cake with raspberry jam
加上latte
是我的下午茶

Minding

2008-02-01T10:08:00.000+08:00

think i am better at counselling when i do it in English. but that is for myself, when i dun need a lot of words.
Inspiration words seems more inspiring when its said in English, Chinese is a too emotional language for me. Sometimes distance is comforting.

I counselled myself on Selfishness today.

Always heard about friends breaking up, when everyone thought they were loving couples. And i always think its they do not love each other enough, thats why they end up going their separate ways. I believe that frimly, but it seems being in love with each other will still end up breaking.
its not that their love does not match up, or they have conflicting characters, its just that something between them is brewing the breakup.

And today, when i woke up, i thought, they are selfish people, thats why they break up.
When selfishness overshadows love, no matter how one says how much he loves her or how much she loves him, breaking up will be the ultimate solution.
Come across something like that personally and I think its just so true.
Being selfish will not bring bountiful happiness, not to say L_O_V_E.

Sometimes when we face crossroads, we like to put blame on others, to avoid judging oneself. But that is just avoiding the problem.
So, we end up with "I dunno" which is the most horrible answer.
Or we end up asking "why" which is again the most horrible question.
And you can imagine how horrible the outcome is.
when miss why meets mr dunno, things never gets solve.
In the end, both or rather one will start wondering how much do you love me, and why is it that you love me but still angers me. why is it that i love u but i am always upset with you. and why this why that.
Thats how horrible and draggy things will get.

So back to this morning, I thought Love will not be great if we are selfish.
So, the biggest obstacle in love, is not about whether you love enough or whether whose love is greater, but whether you are selfish or not.
And sometimes, people gets selfish and gone..... Love will be on its way to packing up and search for its next stop.

And what about my love? hmm.... i dun want my love to sell fish, they are smelly...

久违的宁静

2008-01-02T00:07:00.000+08:00

久违了。
原来，我好久没有动笔了。

人原来是会变的，最近越来越发现我变了。
我竟然开始卖蓝色的东西，以前我讨厌蓝色的。但现在，却看到蓝色的宁静。
年少，轻狂。所以，竟以为自己是天上的北斗星，一直都保持原本的位置。原来，自己可能连流星的霎那璀璨都不如。长大，原来就像是灰尘被阳光照射一样，那么的渺小，但是却能够被肉眼看着。看似微不足道，但却确确实实。
深夜。很久没有这样享受了。听着电脑的散热机发出嗡嗡的声音，宁静的是一种幸福感。生活有太多琐碎的吵闹，一丝宁静已经变成是一种无价之宝。

新年，30号晚上在从吉打回新加坡的路上开始想，心里有点着急，2007就这样过去，我毕业了，我离开了上海，我离开了复旦，我离开了一个人的生活，重回家人的怀抱。我开始工作，真正面对社会，和未来5年身为教育工作者的责任。充满这么多变化的一年，就这样过去了。我却还像是在auto-pilot mode一样。内心的感受，嗯，有是有，但却不具体。所以，那晚在巴士上问了80他对新的一年由什么新希望。原来他已经想过了，问了他之后，心中有一点失落，因为我呢？我又要做一些什么？
我要做很多的东西，但是好像最近缺少了那种积极感，和兴奋感。虽然我的个性有时会疯疯癫癫，但是最近，心中好像开始缺少了一点热诚。人生必须要有火焰，生命才会灿烂。
大了，开始学会不再那么执著。或许也是从80那里学来的，有好有坏。我还得自行斟酌。

现在的生活，是我2003年决定的，接下来的5年，我就是这样工作。工作方面，我要做得好，但是却不要把工作当成是我生命的全部。虽然，我的好导师几乎设这样生活着，但我看他感到很累。我佩服他的生活，但是我不敢效法。

80和我的关系，我到现在有时还是会觉得奇怪。我们亲密，但是却独立。这份独立是他给我的，因为他不让我依赖，在某些事情上我也是必须做自己的决定。爱情，并不是占领所有方面。我们的关系中还存在着许多未占领的土地，这中间当然包括了许多的未知数。
以前的我会很担心，但是这几个星期开始放心。因为慢慢能够感受到我们之间的默契。以前，我过于着急，太像看到一些什么“具体”的东西。但是原来，爱情就是抽象的。感受，多过实物。

2008年。我希望我能够认真看待我的生活，认真认识自己人生的道路。
或许2007年，我被很多周围的人影响着，模糊了自己的方向。幸好，没有迷糊太久。
人生属于自己的，同时和必须和我身边的人分享，但是我不能够也不应该被他们牵着走太远。自己的生活，自己必须走。

folly fellows

2007-11-19T16:23:00.000+08:00

jus a little reflection. i guess, its human nature to behave like this.

a question to all reading:
how many times do we remember the people around us when we're happy? or when we feel upset.

hmm... i mean very often, we tend to forget about some of our friends when we're enjoying ourselves or hidding in the dark room, when we're entirely IN our own world. and then we start to realise we're overly in our own world when we receive a friendly sms from a friend saying how much she/he misses u.
having been there and done that, it doesnt feel good even when we reply "miss you too". either we're trying hard to feel sincere, so its due to a natural response to say the same thing when someone initiate it.

in times of need, calls and smses are endless. but it seems she started to venture away.
we do wonder where are she is going, but its often awkward to start asking.
i dunno if her sms is jus a natural respond to mine, but it doesnt feel good to jus see 3 words when i asked "how are you recently.....".
it really makes people wonder what are she's thinking and why did she behave like that.

well, but often we become oblivous to the people ard us when immersed in our own happiness. kinda sad for us when she decided to exclude us in her happiness.

though i dunno if you're happy, but i guess it will be very much appreciated to share happenings in our lives with people we cherish and who we thought we treasure. in the end, it remains 90% guessing so... i really hope that 10% does not fail into turmoil of any sort.

but again, matters of the heart are not easily translated into audible words.
jus hope that it will be sunshine and breeze for her after the storms.

失去

2007-10-31T09:42:00.000+08:00

在压力的挤压下，我的文学触角最为敏感。
以前总是在考试期间下最多的东西，现在却觉得自己可怜，因为连考试的压力也无法把文字中我沉重的身躯挤压出一点儿什么。人好像就是这般可哀。

最近开始看朋友的部落格，让我对很多人和事有了新的感受。
本来以为是造作、无味的文字却让我感动。
以前以为那种示众的悼念是多么的不堪，多么的自以为是。一些只供密室好友倾诉的话语，感情被电邮分解再组合成章显示在我们这般普通朋友面前，我们没办法只好捧场接受。现在看当时的孤傲，只是觉得当时很幼稚。
或许，真的文字写作就是无时无刻，毫无吝啬的跟周围的人分享，毕竟能够从文字找到趣味的人已经不多了，再不珍惜就的话就是自己的损失了。

Leisure

2007-09-17T21:26:00.001+08:00

poem by William Henry Davies

Leisure

What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs,

And stare as long as sheep and cows;

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass;

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night;

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance;

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

it would be a blessing to stand and stare now, ya?

Maybe thats barry loves to do nothing.

NOT heart disease.

2007-09-17T18:42:00.000+08:00

oops.... sorry to frens and also sorry to myself for making myself soooooo worried about my beloved heart.

Its really heartening to hear from the doctor that its not any heart-related disease. But instead, he said it is muscle pull, the same as what the doctor said in Shanghai. *double confirmed!*
And to make sure there is no mis-treatment, i brought along the ECG i took last year for him to refer, and told him i am worried. gosh... i am such a person who needs assurance!!!! and further re-assurance!!!!!
and he explained to me that many ppl have ECG like mine where there is a right bundle branch morphology. and my branch is jus a very small one which shouldnt be anything significant.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i am very happy and relieved to know that i wun be dying of heart disease, and its jus a muscle pull. unloaded the heavy stone on my heart.

So, to prevent muscle pull, i shouldnt carry heavy things with my left arm and also dun do that stunt in gym where u support yourself using left arm. gosh.. i got weak arms.....

Delightful as it is, i guess i only enjoy the game heart attack which i jus played on sunday!

worried

2007-09-17T16:41:00.000+08:00

hmm.... sometimes i worry too much. as the chinese says worried that the sky will fall.
i dunno if this is called consciousness or awareness or over-worrying.... which is kinda unnecessary.
becos i am easily stressed, so this make me more worried. worried about worrying.

recently, i want to face the top worry of my worries. health.
i am not your pink baby, though not your sickly child. but not having tiptop health.
gastric is the only major thing i encountered before i went shanghai. while in shanghai, many other forms of un-healthyness came.
Cold feet and hands(which was the case all along, but getting better now), occasional gastric... but i dun have flus and cold often, which is very good.
but there are some symptoms which get me worried.
like being breathless sometimes, and also the pain on the left side of my body.
i been to doctor to ask about it, cos a previous health screening last year showed there was sth sth about my ECG, but cos i was in shanghai, so i took a new ECG and the doctor said i was fine. diagnosing it as a muscle pull...
so i let it rest.. though the pain come back quite frequently.

recently, this pain worries me a bit. it had not come for sometime, and now it came back. and cos sometimes i worried about it and felt a bit breathless. in addition, school is a bit stressful, so the pain makes me hard to concentrate on my work.
so.. i decided to go to the doctor and request a ECG again, and have to remember to take the previous ECG along for comparision.

really, what if i got a heart disease?

2 days of getting together

2007-09-17T16:36:00.001+08:00

chalet! how time flies... the group of us went to chalet ard this time too last year. and after much anticipation, chalet ended and we're back to doing our own roles after a wonderful weekend.

During the weekdays, i was pretty stressed out, and wasa bit worried about going to the chalet. will going there make me more stressful cos there are works not done? or will i be able to enjoy it fully?
with God's blessing, i felt the latter. I was able to enjoy it fully and everyone went home with a new perspective and also shared a bit more of themselves during the chalet which was one of the objectives. Jus like how the moon will crescent or full, there are also a few pity, but nevertheless, we learnt lessons.

Maybe next time we'll have some more outings and include all those who are in our group, so that we can have a good get together!

feet evolution

2007-09-05T00:21:00.000+08:00

i always though my feet belong to a female farmer. Dark and wide, nothing like those of Cinderella's, whose feet fits into the petite glass heels.
But being a city girl, i decided to go for pedicure, indulge myself in the luxury and feet evolution.
I always prefer pedicure, cos varnish on fingers looks too cancer causing to eat with.

So my feet is now decorated with ten red toe nails. pretty pretty feet, though still far from cinderella's but at least i got my prince to see them.

pretty feet on city girl makes her day happi~~

胎死腹中

2007-09-01T16:48:00.000+08:00

No matter how much we try, somethings jus cannot change.
Not changing for the better, jus changing to accomodate and changing to understand and to feel.
Maybe we can never see each other's point.
In carry a project to the end.
No promise, No trying, No strings attached.

Either it never ends, or it never work out.

甜甜蜜蜜

2007-08-25T18:38:00.000+08:00

881。这部关于七月歌台的本地制作不但使人群重新回到草根文化，也让父母辈能够重新拥抱彼此的爱情。嘿嘿，因为今晚爸爸妈妈去看881了！
一直以来，看戏都是年轻人的玩意儿，多片、浪漫爱情片、卡通片，这些都和结了20多年的老夫妻脱离关系。我和姐姐刚开始也是想带父母去看881，但是时间总是排不出。刚才吃饭时，爸爸就说去约其他的叔叔一起去看881，但是他们却没空。在一旁的我就开始怂恿爸爸和妈妈两人去看，别问其他朋友了。就这样，他们踏踏出去了。
爸爸穿上长裤，妈妈擦上口红，一幅在热恋中的情侣一样。
叫妈妈带上冷衣，她却说冷的话就让爸爸抱着她。哈哈，甜甜蜜蜜。

我飞的最高最远

2007-08-21T21:45:00.000+08:00

我飞的最高最远，我的梦无际无边，没有人能阻挡我的方向，没有终点。

最近电视又开始播放这首歌曲，在耳边荡漾的旋律勾起了许多童年的回忆。我是一个标准的电视迷，记忆中只是没有看过郑惠玉那一届的《才华横溢出新秀》，之后的那几届才华，我们都会在学校大肆讨论，搞成自己评判一样。原本只是新加坡对演艺事业有兴趣的人参加，之后渐渐扩大到马来西亚、台湾和中国。对外来人才的加入，应该是一件令人振奋的，因为增加了比赛的竞争力。不过，有时想想，为什么他们不留在自己的国家发展呢？论经济发展，外来人才选择本地发展是毋庸置疑的，但是在演艺圈这种需要自由和机会的领域，当新加坡的演员努力争取海外市场的同时，为什么会这一群表演者要来到这片文化沙漠呢？或许他们在本国的发展竞争力太强，所以选择新加坡，和另一群语言能力、表演才华不那么高的人比赛。对这群人，开始的影响比太好，现在想想，他们是在给自己第二个机会，也给了新加坡人一个努力的机会。

纵观新加坡的演艺圈，来到本地发展的艺人，除非你是真材实料如郭亮、权仪凤，其他的也只是二线演员，当家花旦还是新加坡演员。其中的这些当家花旦也多属来自“民间”，而非才华出身。这样说来，新加坡的才华引进外来人才的原因是什么呢？为了增加比赛竞争力，吓吓参赛选手让他们更努力吗？哈哈，这只是我的一些想法：）

今天只是介绍参赛选手，看了几分钟，觉得本地选手和海外选手的气质和语言能力在舞台上并没有什么差距，希望每一位选手都能够发挥自己的优点，飞到最高做远。

红衬衫

2007-08-13T17:48:00.000+08:00

每年有两次会自动自发穿上红衬衫。一次是春节，一次是国庆日。
春节偶尔会应节买件红衬衫欢度新年，而且又可以让长辈开心。今年我的春节红衬衫就是妈妈买给我的，因为新年买红衣。
红衬衫，在春节穿了那一次之后就把它挂在衣柜里。
学校庆祝国庆，满街的人潮开始变红，穿上红衬衫、白裤子，把自己装饰成国旗一样。其实，白配红是好看的，只是平时这样穿出去不让人想起旗杆上飘扬的旗帜是满难的，所以即使喜欢这两个颜色的我只在国庆日这样穿。平时呢，就白配红变成粉红色，掩饰着心中的那只旗帜。
那天，为了国庆又把春节的那件红衬衫穿出来。
穿在身上，是过年还是国庆？其实新加坡人有两次喜气洋洋的机会欢庆也不错。

week one in nie

2007-08-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

week one in nie is a week of sleepy head and tired mind.
haven really got used to the tutorial system and now that one of the module is really packed.
lecture and tutorial on the same day when i haven even got the ideas clear. am i getting stupid and slow? or its jus adaptation phase? hope its the latter...
about my classmates, well they are all nice people. jus that my tutorial group is made up of all fresh grads, unlike the other group where they have second career ppl who are older and maybe more experience to share.
hmm... think i should try to have some contact point with them. why do they want to try chinese teaching? and what do they have to give up or what do they think they will gain from chinese teaching??

there is also a service learning group we have, and we got to work on a year long project together. i have nice group members who take initiatives to give ideas and also help out. maybe becos we are all teachers, willing to share and give ideas! haha

next week is the 2nd week of school. got an e-learning class.. bringing my lappy to school then!
and goign to ka-jiao the service hub ppl to help me set up my wireless. hahahaha...

back to school

2007-07-29T13:23:00.000+08:00

i am back to school... something different is about this return in classroom, as a student teacher.
i am actually learning to be a teacher, and even though many of my frens had already gone through this institution training, but its still different with me experiencing it myself.
things are going to be different from the way i study in shanghai, when all i need to do is to be in lectures on time, study for exams and da-da, back for holidays. but this time round, i am not supposed to be so enjoy... there are many discussion sessions, tutorials( things which i haven done since JC2) and events in schools which i have to take part as a student teacher. In a nutshell, i will be very busy but at the same time using my brains and putting my abilities in real use. And its to be studying with fellow singaporeans which i actually miss, i am truly singaporean, i love being in singapore. even though i think the love for my country grew more after i had studied overseas.
Hmm... as quite a computer bai-chi.. my school is doing plenty of e-learning.. putting our works and info on school website. so... ya, guess its time i spend some time exploring in the virtual world.
orientation week passed and school timetable officially starts tmr.
meanwhile, wish myself good luck and be happy. dun be taunted by the high level of stress in school and hectic schedule i am having.
Bless all and we pray.

back to singapore

2007-07-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

hi everyone who is reading my blog...
oops... maybe there are some who had forsake reading my blog cos i haven been updating... becos china is blocking a series of blogs.. which i dunno why.. and haha, *phew* that saves me from admitting to my laziness.

kk, back to blogging..

i am back in singapore from shanghai for good.. which means i will definitely be in singapore for 5 years at least from now. i dunno where i will go after 5 years, but jus know that God will have good plans for me in his hands.

Meanwhile, i want to steady my heart. heart is a shaky thing for me, its true to me but i am easily influenced by outside factors that sometimes i tend to blur the true vision.
it is becoming more steady, becos i know i got the strenght from God and from within to let me stay firm. The environment is changing rapidly and we cannot change like the weather along with the environment. ice-bergs melting in the poles should not make us sink, we got to stay firm and strong against strong winds bending us.

jus begin my course in NIE, *blink blink* there are so many lessons for me. well, as what the profs kept repeating: you are employees of MOE... blah blah... so i have to have good studying attitudes as well as a teacher ethics... hmm.. sounds stressful. though i had been a scholar for many years, as ppl say: paid to study, but it does sound weird when in NIE all of us are being paid to study and are made to be aware of the fact.
ok, i shall uphold my role as a good employee in public service.

besides work, i will be starting my normal relationship with my boyfriend. what is a normal relationship? when its not a long distance. in long distance, we had different lifestyle and free time is not spent together, and even is i miss him, i cannot see him. but now in singapore, it make sense to be able to see him whenever i like. but again, it is not true as that. becos he will also want to have his own free time when he can chill out with his frens. so sometimes i wonder where or when i will come in. and its not that i cannot see him frequently, but the purpose of these meet-ups are not for him and me, its for spiritual upgrading... so sometimes its really hard to say we dun meet up frequently enough becos we are meeting up at least once every week. though we still calls or msn or sms everyday, keeping in touch everyday, but that is jus the same in shanghai. so... sometimes i dunno what is the difference. am i anticipating a different change in his lifestyle to accomodate me or am i to slide into free spaces available in his present life? i dunno.. its another round of adapting the environment and to the people.

similarly... its back to living with my parents after 4 years. its nice to be back with them around me, giving me comfort and warmth, with me in their good care.
but ya, its another round of adaptation since i am 4 years older now, and an adult who is an employee of MOE. wahaha...

still, coming back to singapore is a series of new challenges and beginning of a new spiritual journey for me.
Pray to God i will go on a higher learning of the pure heart soon.

复旦人

2007-05-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

昨天，我在真正体会到复旦人的感动。
一只以来，复旦在我感受中只是一所我就读的学校，但是要我真的用心来感受到它的博大精深昨天还是第一次。真是一种奇妙的感觉。
本来比赛前所播放的短片感到一点不屑。心想又是那种中国式的煽情内容，果然又是煽情画面，不过这次却煽动了我心中对复旦的感情。
四年的生活就要这样结束，内心对未来有无限的期待，当然也真的对这个生活了四年的土地感到无穷的不舍。
片中提到复旦所孕育的莘莘学子，如何自强不息面为生命写下辉煌的页章，在未来的日子里如何接受一切的挑战，然后编写个人生命的史诗。一切的煽情竟然令我深深感动，在眼眶徘徊的泪水然我更加赞叹作为复旦人的骄傲和自豪。
复旦已经是我生命中无法磨视的一部分，而再往后的日子里我也必须在复旦的基础上建立更大的堡垒。作为中国顶尖的学术殿堂，在这里写下的每一个字都将成为我生命的一部分，真真实实的烙印。
毕业之际，发现作为复旦人的骄傲。

什么是复旦人？
我就是复旦人。

Discussion of Our Mother thousands feets above ground

2007-05-31T22:08:00.000+08:00

I am thankful to God that I had the opportunity to meet This Hindu man upon my return Shanghai on the SQ806 flight.
A religious sect in Hinduism by the name of Cosmic Puja, they believe in the highest existence being in Universal as Mother Earth, which also means Heavenly Mother. Through elimination of their mortally desires, they attained a level of “qing jing” and unite with Mother Earth. Some of their masters achieved enlightenment when grandmasters held a hand over their forehead.
It was jus an amazing discussion with him throughout the three hours we spoke since we were served vegetarian lunches ( I was very delighted to know he was practicing vegetarianism too.)
Words cannot be used to expressed this encounter, jus sincerely hope that I can keep in contact with him and together work towards our Mother.

actually i dunno what to write..

2007-05-18T16:40:00.000+08:00

haha, actually i dunno what to write... but felt that i should write sth... a little about what i did today.

woke up, ate shui kueh, then logged online and got my thesis mentor's reply. YEAH~~ thesis is 95% done, except for my grammer corrections. sorry that i am actually a chinese lang and lit student with imperfect language expression. BAHWAHAHAH...
then its a little tv and revelation that i should be helping out at home... and its vacuuming the floor and ironing a whoke tub of clothes which took me hours. not becos of my ironing skills but becos i go for creaseless clothes. yup, and till 3pm, i went to sort out my old cds and also some books collections.. actually i dun have many books at home now... haha.. most of them are still on the road back home in green boxes..
and its till now...
never thought much about helping out in housework though i know many of my frens have been doing them since young. thanks to my beloved and hardworking mum who is always there to wash and iron our clothes. always thought that houseworking will grow on us as we grow up but realised its no the case if we didnt do it consciously. becos we will never find the time to help up with increasing activities outside the house. it may seem real boring and uncool to stay home doing housework instead of hanging out with frens. if my mother had to stay at home dealing with my clothes and tidiness, then actually i dun deserve so much freedom outside. she needs her space to relax too, not jus becos she is our mother that she have to do all these... we really have to share the load with her..
a contrasting scene jus now, she was sitting down watching tv while i was ironing the clothes. a change of role from previous times. haha... well, its kinda fulfilling for me to see her resting. my mum is quite hyper active. haha

living alone 4 years in shanghai made me realised some things which staying at home wouldnt make me understand. my mummy is not for granted, sometimes i have to put myself in her shoes. she need the time to rest from all the housework too.

constant reviews

2007-04-30T10:25:00.000+08:00

there are always periods of time when i flop into the bush thinking about life.

when life is actually about living, once in a while we tend to jus think about how we want to go about living it.
and for me, its the time now.

like how i say i had forgotten about myself being pathetically single who has jus a brief encounter with love, i thought maybe i need some adjustments now.

adjust to become more independent, and maybe more cynical.
but i dun wish to be cynical like some who had struck love so easily but end up still a grumbling single who thought why haven she gotten married. beautiful and cheery, then why arent u settled down when its what u longed for always? certainly there is a problem with herself which she cant see. then be beautiful and cheery and single then.

for me, i might be jus as cynical when i was single, bitter about why i am still unattached.
but when one gets unattached, didnt i lose some of my individuality and used up a certain amount of time planning for the both of us?
i do willingly, because quality time is really needed for couples.
driving and driving, me with a purpose but sometimes it does seems that i am the only one pursuing. i do 10, u do 1. then i start to wonder... maybe its really the way u are.
what about me?
or maybe its not jus in love that i do the plannings, i realised most of my friends do turn to me in planning for events.. hmm or maybe its me that is too kaypoh.
but after the planning i then to sometimes have negative feelings which are not healthy to every sort of relationships.
or maybe thats why i slipped into loner mode when i was in sec school and jc. it seems much more easier to go about doing my own stuffs.
of cos, its not very high EQ for me to go back to loner mode again because i realised in living a life, humans need to interact with other beings. it makes life more eventful though sweet and sour is the flavour.

recently i bought a t-shirt with the writings: i love berry, its sweet and sour.
sometimes it seems it explains.

okok, perk up in a cloudy day is what i want to do.
enjoy everyone around me.

gliding above the clouds while on plane is actually a relevation.
rain or shine below u, around the plane is always a blinding white.
always look above the mortally world in times of dire. its not an escape, but a let go.
no no, i am not a nun to be.

we should be reminded of how sweet our lives are always

2007-04-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

actually i am really a very fortunate girl. but sometimes as what my good fren said we tend to make up grey views in life because we did not really encounter any difficulties and hard times, as the chinese saying says "wu bing sheng ying", groaning a fake illness.

but as fortunate beings we are, we never know what bad times are, so we make them up and try to feel depressed and come up with unwelcoming sights of life.
yes, as analysing this strange behaviour, i join in them sometimes, when i am too free.

with families and frens and a good boyfriend, i always feel i am blessed.

maybe its jus the norm for us arty( not a lot, a bit lah ) ppl, we want to feel the feels of life, to reach the extreme emotions which will bring the psychotic high rush through our nerves.
jus like how my junior claim to see beauty in the virginia tech massacre, and got me worried for her mental state. reality and literary imagination are 2 different arena and we should never mistake them for one co-existent world. for ideals and beliefs are different when carried out in real life.

we need to be reminded of how sweet our real life are really, and not fall into the made up world of imagined tortured minds.

life may be a bit rough for some of my friends, but be reminded that our lives are really sweet and treasured by our loved ones.

*the news jus flashed that laptops are bad for health when placed on the laps of children. and i have my laptop on my lap now... but arent laptops for the laps? hmm.. who knows maybe there will be ___tops in the near future. haha *

maybe i shall really go for a good hobby

2007-04-29T20:32:00.000+08:00

what do i like to do during my free time?
what do i have as a hobby?
when we fill in personal details, these are the formalities we have to fill up.

reading, writing, watching tv
well, these are jus some of the things i most commonly do.
i do enjoy doing them, but hmm.. do i really treat them as a hobby?
sometimes i really wonder what are my hobbies when i feel bored and hmm.. frustrated.
something u can really bang your anger with, something which u can use to express your emotions. but i mean.. what about reading? i cant vent my anger with a book quietly in my hands. maybe i can do it with writing, but beautiful proses do not come as naturally to u when the heat is all concentrated in your head. watching tv... well, i guess its not really quite a hobby as ... dun everyone watches tv these days when we feel bored?
its jus weird if i do label these activities as my hobby.

what do i like when i was young, when i think i can choose what i want to do in the future?
i like art and i like to read.
being jus an average child, i do not appear to be someone who do really excel in certain field of work. maybe my studies are above the average, but there is a desire in me to really excel and shine and blind the eyes of my surrounding people.
however, i always comes in second, the second best, the second choice and well, maybe as a second child.
isnt it funny when i have an essay which won a merit award in my jc's literary award., and there i wrote about me being jus a second. and well... i jus won a merit award, not shiny and not blinding, jus hmm.. a bit bright and noticeable by people. do people remember me? maybe vaguely.
speaking of this, it seems i have a low self esteem of myself.
but i am confident and hold true to my beliefs though maybe sometimes they grow weak when i am low. and i guess this period is when i am low.

and ya, u think whether u have a life when u are low. everyone seems to be better off than u are, when everyone in fact are also having their own problems and heart wretching situations. humans are well always having veiled personality.

ya so, should i go for a hobby?
when i should actually learn it in shanghai when i have more free time to myself. but time flies and well, its about time i come back to singapore and till then i think i should go back to art. start living a life for myself, when i now briefly forget how was like 9 months ago.
its so incredibly weird and funny. i forgot about the me which i lived with 22 years ago.

ok, hobby.
maybe i should try to look for art lessons... oil canvas which i always appreciated in galleries.
its really time to put thoughts into actions.
stop dreaming and start living.

our dreams and beliefs... they tend to hit head on with reality.
no matter how strong they are, compromise is needed in reality. with the other people living in the same world with us, we need to not really lower ourselves, but accept them and changes our colour tone in order to blend in better with our loved ones.

life is really interesting to live it out. what cant we solve? what rough times we cannot sail out?
though we become more cynical as time goes by, but we learn to be stronger in life and become more independent. there is nothing we cant work out.

remembering my 2007 resolution,
i want to live the world with bright colours for life is already filled with many unseen events, and uncertainties. i want to live it with bright and shine, for myself for others. its never a loss to pass on happiness and not live with regrets of any sorts.
its really short and we really have to live it out with passion.
i treat people whole heartedly... though i cannot expect the same for others, but i have my belief to pass on positive feelings for people ard me.

erm.. though i still tend to be emo emo in front of my loved ones, but hope the group of people to see the emo emo me shrink.
u provide me with a shelter and wall to lend on to when i am down.
everyone will need a shelter and i hope i also provide people i love with shelter and support.

一个月的离开

2007-04-22T10:12:00.000+08:00

他说我不适合留学，但我也这样挨过了四年。选择挨是因为当中参杂了许多的难受、受伤和困难。而不是我不适合留学。
心常常系在家，为什么就被视为不适合留学？
不知道。

四年这样一转眼就过去了，本来以为会有的痛苦不知怎么的我到现在还没有感受到。他们因此觉得遗憾。听到这个，我当下不知道要有什么反应。
我只知道我把人和地方已经分开了。
对中国，我们本来就有不一样的期待，到最后的感情也就不同。

我匆匆离开，是因为我不舍得他们吗？不是的，我敢说这句话，因为我知道我现在需要做的是什么，而我选择这样做。
虽然，他们承认了我的选择，但是一直给我的回应是他们舍不得，他们觉得遗憾。
但，我又不是不回来。
我要做的事情只能够在家里做，为什么我不这么做呢？因为我知道我还会回来的，又不是我不回来。
在大家都在互相忙碌的时候让我也去忙我应该忙碌的事情为什么就这么困难？

到最后的第二分钟，我感到莫名其妙的束缚。因为牵挂的束缚，不是厌烦的束缚。
我们这些朋友家人，用亲情把友谊紧紧包裹，而我的短暂离开对他们来说就像是孩子远游一样。不舍，但是尊重了我的选择，只是罗索几句让我心里难过是必不可少的。

罗嗦了那么多，我要说的是，
有人因为我一个月的离开而感到不舍，其实我是多么的幸福。

原来一直心疼19岁的自己

2007-04-13T11:28:00.000+08:00

和朋友走在校园内的街上，聊起了毕业前的心情，自己试图向自己总结一番。

我还记得第一天来到复旦的日子，那时候的我傻傻的。19岁的天真烂漫小女孩对异乡大学生活抱着无限的向往和用不尽的活力。
一直以来都是黏着妈妈的小孩，小时候到阿姨家过夜还会在晚上刮风时候大哭起来吵着我要回家，我要回家。
第一天的复旦，有很多的琐事要处理，报名注册、宿舍、注册银行户口、购买日常用品等。炎热的夏天，学长带着我绕了整个五角场，但是我却完全认不清楚我的方位，就知道跟着走。现在对五角场已经非常熟悉，但是却怎样也在找不到当时学长带我走过的路。哈哈，还有点像少女的桃花源记吧。

留学就是要学习长大，而成长过程中原来需要很多的忍耐。
四年的留学生活当中，直到昨天晚上谈起，我不知道原来对自己而言忍耐了多少，谈着谈着，眼泪不自觉的留了下来，就连自己也惊讶。刚开始经常对话筒里面传出来家人的声音而泣不成声，虽然次数渐渐变少，但昨晚谈到那一段回忆时，沉重的情绪又再次涌上心头，眼泪就不自觉地掉了下来。
心有余悸，有点用词不当但是我真的对那种感觉感到害怕。
走了过来，身心都成长了不少，现在可以比较好控制自己但是真的，还是佩服19岁的自己。你走了过来。

大二时候，好友来到复旦交流一学期。当时真的很开心，也很享受两人一起的生活。生活不缺乏矛盾，了解也因此会从中萌芽。
这时候对于感情也认识了很多，被拒绝的发式原来可以被伪装得那么优雅，耍得我还因此情痴痴。之后我也伤害了人，还是感到对不起。因为年轻所以冲动，时过境迁，成长就是发生很多的复杂戏码。
大三，复旦新加坡学生暴涨。一次来了8个新生，让我好不高兴。以幼稚大姐大的身份协助他们，给的心思希望他们又感受到。
大四了，对最后一年的上海感觉没有舍不得。每个人都说因为我已为儿女私情心系祖国所以不再有留恋。但是真的，离乡背井四年已经够了，回家的时间到了。

我崇尚自由，但是谁说自由的人不可以回家？

about being cynical

2007-04-09T15:11:00.000+08:00

we were jus talking about feeling old over msn, and thats how she told me about her trigger for the search back to youth. oh dear, its a break-up with her bf of 7 years.

love is really a wonderful and hateful thing.

when in love, we tend to think of nothing about our self. no spelling err here, its self.
individuality disappeared, maybe thats why britney sings when 2 becomes 1, thus no individuality is allowed.
its wonderful when we have a person to depend on, and grow old together. and so, the picture of 2 snowy-haired old persons hand in hand strolling in the garden.

its hateful, when there are sorrows.
but when is sorrow invisible in life.
in arguements, we cry, we blame and we scold. one kept slient and apologise, quietly taking the blame for what he did and did not.

love is blind, not becos of its negative effects, but becos its dazzling smile upon lovers.
so blind that we willed to move forward regardless of the rubbles which some routes lead to.

but when love chooses to unblind u, u become cynical.
becos now that u see the rubble and ruins left to endure.
why did u not see it coming??
becos we were blind and thought all will go well for we willed to go on.
or maybe we had grown up.

its scary when first lovers in a long time r/s breaks.
what had they missed out saying to each other in the process?
what had gone wrong?
why didnt they ask each other what's wrong? and what's changed?

maybe thats why ppl say dun think too much and jus treasure the present bliss, but arent u afraid too?
how do one really enjoy the present if there is unclarity in the future?

i dun like being cynical like i was a year ago when i question uncertainty in everything.

willed... to oasis.

type of girl i dun like... a random thing out of thesis

2007-04-07T14:17:00.000+08:00

haha, jus a out of the blue entry... jus that the girl seated in front of me now doesnt give me a pleasant feeling...

so she is a korean.. thought she was a shanghainese.
the way she eats her yoghurt exhibit a proud aura ard her. decent looking but when she sways her body to the music, i dun have a good feeling..
it doesnt seems that she is really enjoying the music, but jus that she is showing off her hmmm... a bit f over confident?
haha...

and she closes the toilet door a bit too hard.
and her bf eats his ice cream all the way with his head down.
hmm....

well actually, i dun like the way she eats her ice cream.

My set of game

2007-04-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

Many a times, we listen to past stories about how we should carry out our r/s, what are the things to look out for and attitudes we have to give in r/s.
Many a times, a girl dates with a boy, and a boy dates with a girl.
Many a times, we thought this is all the same, we should have the same rules in this dating game.
I thought I should join them in this game and obey the rules jus like others.
but slowly I realized that its impossible to abide by the same rules.

I believe and strive to work this precious one r/s right through the tunnel.
And they say people dun work out their first. We are set to prove them wrong.
I want to believe him for what he wants to do though with worries but I decided to trust him for it’s the same as respect for his integrity.
And she say be careful when he/she goes out with another single woman/man alone.

There are jus so many rules which people set after many trials and errors.
But those who came later fail to see that each r/s is unique and there will sure be some difference in your own little game.
Guess we are different in our game and we want to make our the unique one without being any follower.

Hearing your voice melts me, gentle and tender touching me deep inside the heart.

when i am left alone...

2007-03-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

night falls... and i am left alone at home to grumble.. oops! is to muse about life.
life had gone by us jus when the second jumps to the next.
we had grown up.

we left childhood behind and then the teenage years. stepping into the twenties made me aware of the happenings that come in life.
when we realise, hey... one of our fren got married! one of our fren was caught in a fatal accident! one of our frens was commited to MIH, and this fren broke up and step out, many of us getting more bouts of depressions.
and i wonder, why is it that unfortunate things seem to appear more frequent ard me now? is anything wrong with the world besides more terrorism, more wars, more greenhouse effects and more icebergs melting?
maybe doomsday is near, but frankly speaking, it is us who are growing up.
growing up, aka, facing the reality.

suddenly i thought of the Buddha when he was jus a prince. he went out of his palace and saw the 4 sufferings of life: birth, old age, illness and death.
once upon a time, when we are still in sucking our thumb using the pink mrt card, all we bother with is what to play with the next moment. and sometime later, its about what school should i choose. its nothing as serious as life and death, but now we do face with living as a fact for now.
its fortunate i should say, that we had come all the way to this stage of life. for some fellow beings are not even entitled to breathing through their first year of age.

life is really about the moment and also our strength. building up our strength is important for its what really help us last in life.
strength in life, strength in self, strength in others and most importantly strength in God.
strength is not about muscles and force, rather its inner peace and will power. these are strength which will last us till we age.
through birth, old age, illness and death, we do conquer them, but not that we live without them. but we do not fear them for they are stages which will come. we seek calmness and peace in this stages, fulfilling our duty to God, others and self.

faith is really important, it eliminates fear and brings us to another stage of enlightment.

singapore vs shanghai

2007-03-18T17:56:00.000+08:00

its one more week to departure for shanghai, and i still didnt manage to finish my meet up sessions with all the old frens in singapore. due to my laziness, changing of hp number, thesis(let me have a chance to be hardworking), lots of feasting due to the new year and also some holy lessons for me. a bit of guilty here, for my singapore frens and also shanghai frens.
been here for 2 months, but i sort of neglected some of my old frens which is not that good. i should be more trying... to build up our r/s again, for the past present and future.
for fudan frens, i will be graduating in 3 months time, but i dun want to go back. its not about the frens, its maybe about the place. frankly speaking, i am quite sian about shanghai already, its been 4 years and i am well... ready to leave and come back to singapore. not that shanghai is sian, but its jus well... not my home.

random loss

2007-03-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

this is a topshop blouse which i like when i was shopping for new year clothes. but...... becos my boyfriend said its not nice, so i chose another one. BUT!!!! that was not as nice. and i think i will not listen to him again next time..., NO>>>>

so now i can only look at this photo.. its quite ex, 66sdg, so i am still considering whether i should buy this for myself... hmmm...

barry bought this for me, but hmm... i was too rough that i broke this necklace. felt so sad that night. so now i can only look at the picture.....

merry christmas~

2006-12-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

merry christmas!!!!
this is the last year i am spending this special moment in shanghai with my frens.

actually never celebrate xmas in singapore, the last one i remember was hmm.. i cant remember at all.
haha...
so it was quite special for me when i came to shanghai which i celebrated my first xmas.
i remember my first xmas when the exchange jiejie and i went out to town for dinner and we bought xmas hats which we wore all the way on the streets and then back to hostel.
then...
second year, we had a really big party, eating drinking fooling around in full force. and we got real presents..... it was fun and really sweet for me that time.
last year, we started to have small girls party... which we cooked and ate and be merry... and hahah, yes we got our xmas hats too!
this year, we had a six girls xmas party. really fun.... i love every moment of it. and knowing that this will be the last year i am celebrating with my frens here, its well.. not sad, but memorable. we had vegetarian redang curry which i brought from singapore, then fruit salad, vegetable pancakes, tomato and potato soup and also multigrain rice... welll... haha not forgetting our zhong tou xi~~~ xmas cake! it was a strawberry mousse cake with chocolate sponge. very very nice... and so...
xmas songs in the background, a heart shaped xmas light and we took lotsa photos and danced ard...
of cos, we never count down as usual... cos one of my fren got an exam tmr... as always... it;s exam period now haii...
so tmr is xmas and i got to start my new week of revision... and wait again for next week's countdown to 2007... when i have to start another week of revision on the 1st jan in preparation for 2nd jan exam.

this is school in china. exams in the midst of this festive season...
fortunate that i am graduating and can finally celebrate my holiday in real festive mood. haha...

As the song goes: All i want for christmas is U....
haha.... again

studying late into the night

2006-12-21T01:06:00.000+08:00

it's so long that i actually still have books in front of me at this time, 1am.
ok, i am not a good girl loh.. didnt burn mid night oils.. but ya...
this time i think i want to.
jiayou... my girl.

LDR

2006-12-18T14:28:00.000+08:00

LDR
it's really hard.
it's had been 4 months now.... and i am not handling it very well.
depressions which i had never felt sink in like water that runs down a stream... unconciously.

thought i can handle long distance relationships very well last time, when i was still single and free and ya,.. naive. when it comes to relationships, women's hearts are thrown all the way out to the other end of the world, and sometimes we can find it back and sometimes we lose it.
had been throwing bad tempers so often that i am quite embarassed already. apologising after the fit and then fall into it again. a form of reincarnation i think, a cycle that dun ends.
i had been telling myself to control myself. and i think i am improving but jus, maybe i need to double up my pace.

my cousin once said men are like caterpillars... ya, jus caterpillars, it doesnt include the butterfly stage which evolves after that. jus plain simple green caterpillars. why? becos guys think single mindedly.
guys out there, it's a compliment! serious.
think again, why do your girlfrens get into their twin sister by the name of temper so so often? it's because we(i am a woman too) think too complicatedly. we tend to think deep, so deep sometimes which the abyss doesnt even exist!and then when the dark clouds pass away, we realised red-cheekedly that oops, it's all jus my imagination. then text message our darlings and dears and honey and whatever u call them, that we are so sorry.
BUT! guys there! if there is any reading my entry, dun think u can get away with it ok. both parties have to put in effort to try and keep the r/s peaceful and blissful.
i am not trying to change the caterpillars we face, but trust that caterpillars have memory and ya, remember that your gf is complicated and try not to make her so complicated. but dun keep telling her to be simple, cos she wun understand that too, like caterpillars cant understand women's mind. ya?
so....
what i want to say is.... men and women are really different. though we love them, we are still different. jus that we have to find a balance point between the difference and ya, we will all be blessed.

say i am idealistic, but i dun want to believe that a couple should end up breaking jus becos they have different character. No difference can upset a relationship if love is strong enough to hold both on. and love have to be nurtured and give time to bloom.

oopss.... i thought i want to talk about LDR here, but haha... diverted.
back.
LDR are hard. and many feelings that doesnt exist suddenly appear right in the face, and they seem so real. but bear in mind, these are jus imaginations. remember, people are blessed with imaginations, but sometimes we put them into the wrong use. so... rememeber.. stay clear and alert. and think about the happy moments both of u have when u are together.
for me, squabbles dun even exist between when we were together, but once we are separated by the miles of sea and land, i get angry over simple things. which is ok, i admit, no good at all.

fortunately... i only have 1 more sem to bear. and i am going home for 2 months soon, 30 days from now, so i am really happy and looking forward. ok, i want to promise myself not to be overly sensitive. i guess that cause stress on my bf too, and i dun want him to be moody too.
cos he is my happy icon:)

so, ya... LDR, hard but wish all couples blissful.

long time no see...

2006-12-09T20:20:00.000+08:00

i jus loved my fren's blog... filled with pictures and vivid description of her life. a way to keep up with singapore's lifestyle or a way to vent my boredom, well i might never find out. but anyway, her blog is jus nice to read and see...
for mine, the lack of pictures is one, cos i haven figured out how to post pictures within the entry except to have it on the left, right ot centre, terrible ya? and i only know how to have one pic per entry. I will figure it out this holidays. i will...

1 more week to exams and though i had been working from last week. but i guess i still need to work faster and harder. hee...
well... half more year in shanghai, and then home. really mixed feelings. and there is so many things awaiting to happen back in singapore. like living among my fellow country man, family, friends and also someone i hope to keep to the last. understanding understanding understanding. to comprehend life is not easy, but we must all keep trying, for we have the strenght to make it last.

ok, time to study in the cold lobby.

not a bed of roses after all

2006-10-17T11:52:00.000+08:00

do i ask for too much?
after a big hu-ha about my dream, u consoled me by telling me to control my mind.
letting a dream control my mind is jus a bit absurb isnt it? haha, i think so.
letting tarot cards to determine my current situation, my life isnt a good way i supposed, to lead my life.
no wonder, our holy teachers and seniors told us to stay away from fortune tellers. this is jus like "life is in our hand", so why do we seek to know what will happen in the future? our hearts and minds are definitely better than a stack of cards to predict things that has yet to happen.
and dreams, what are they? jus a set of drama we organised in our minds which is staged in the darks of the night.

here, we dun only learn more about each other, but i learn about life.

A Diamond So Bright

2006-09-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

I held a diamond between my fingers
So bright that
I couldnt keep my eyes open for long to
Adore it

The warmth that grows on my skin
Keeping with them the strength
To live on

Against the blue velvet and whit cushions
Lay my bright diamond
Keeping it far
Deep in my eyes

a god send

2006-09-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

maybe i have been writing too much about love on this blog, but maybe i am really someone who keeps talking about love. all these, i jus realised it now.

a blessing that i managed to realise.

u told me we must thank god for letting us be together.
yes i truly think so.
u are the opposite of me, and we never felt attracted until now.
maybe now is the time for us to be together.

we never go against the will of God.
and me, jus listen.

we thank god.

2006-09-23T23:04:00.000+08:00

lion king.

disney presents.......... The Lion King, first stop in Asia, and they had been performing in Shanghai's Grand Theater since july, wow!!! all the way to october.

love it! went to watch on thursday and think it's jus terrific!!!
the theater was decorated with posters and we took like tonnes of photos before we went in. all jus nice.

one thing about shanghai's theater is that ppl tend to sit on other's places:
this guy was sitting in front of us changed his seat next to me after the rightful person who held his seat came. so i thought, well maybe he is supposed to sit beside me.

then during interval, the seats beside me changed people. this guy again changed his seat to a few seats down me, then i was "huh", so is that his final seat?
but when we left after the show ended, he was not on his "final" seat. so... where is his seat.
yes, ppl jus upgrade themselves if seats are available. well, yes i agree, we do that too.. but it's abit kua zhang here leh...

ok, back to the show... *drumrolls*(or rather, the lion roars!!!)
the opening was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!
"animals" came thru the side doors, not only on the first level but also from the second and third level. really.... it's jus so so so so so so so forestly interactive.
so u have these buffaloes, elephants, dragonflies and butterflies marching down the theater up on stage and join in the celebration of SIMBA!!!!!!!!
me and xiaozhen actualy held hands when these animals came out, if i were to be that overly emotional, i think tears would be streaming down my cheeks as well...
hahah... wonderful! the future king. hee...
there were 2 or 3 more interactive sences like this during the show. great:)

i love this sence, the rest of the show was great too, but the ending is not that up beating. if we know the lion king story, simba and nala(or what's her name?) gave birth to another cub, and all the animals that belongs to the land of glory came back for this celebration. but *disappointment*, no animals came out from the side doors, only from the stage. ya... not such of a great end though.
come to think of it, maybe they thought it was not that appropriate as their presence might obstruct audiences who are preparing to leave the theater? but anyway...

little simba was too thin... hee, but nevertheless a cute little boy.

SIMBA, can u feel the love tonight?

2006-09-19T22:43:00.000+08:00

woman and giving birth.

so a woman's tian zhi is to give birth??
why?

shanghai's music channel is showing this china drama which portrayed this infertile woman. well, she was diagnosed with some disease which had to remove both her ovaries. upon this, she was devastated.
becos, she could not fulfill her role as a woman, she felt she was not complete, even though her handsome husband consoled her that she is the one who is most important.

so i wonder, does really giving birth makes a woman complete? of cos, we all know how it can further bond both adults in love together, but the thing is, is a baby all that important?
some ppl give birth jus to keep their partner intact in the family, but then again, will that bring back the faded love between them?

i am not a pro-anti-birth-giving woman here, but i truly think birth giving is not the element that completes a woman. however, it would be a blessing to give have the child of the person we love. hor? haha

ok, jus in case some people thought i am so so so so madly IL(guess what is IL) to the extent i talk about giving birth.... not yet... dear, it's too early.

jus some thoughts from a show:)

oh, it's hot today.... hahaha

2006-09-18T13:24:00.000+08:00

first post

it is always the hardest to blog the first entry.
what are we supposed to write in it?
an introduction or straight to blogging??

well... my first post should have look different from this, if... if i had pressed the correct button and not got what i've written erased from the screen. and then i went for dinner.

i was trying to state the reason for me having a blog.
why do i start a blog. why do i choose to write in english, when i have a chinese blog that was left with an entry written months ago.
will i be responsible enough to take care of this blog? again?

sometimes, i think too much. why do i have to dwell on every single thought or action, trying so hard to break their codes and get myself so worked up? and then losing the feel to jus feel.

maybe i should jus take a hiccup as a hicupp.
life still goes on after hicupping. as long as we move on to the next breath and the following word, u will live(or rather, leave it) it.
sometimes, we ask too much. maybe, we were used to comprehension questions in school.

what did jenny do in the passage? why? please explain. please elaborate.

even in school, nothing stops after the action, we are always looking for the reason behind it.

maybe. this is growing up, but then again, there are millions of paths to take in growing up. what we choose is important.
but i think i wish to be simple and jus grow up without too much why why why.
i wish to be simple and happy, jus like u.

so yes... this entry turns out to be different after all.

2006-09-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

writing mood.

i am in my writing mood recently, which is good. becos the exams are still far away, 14 weeks away from the exams, which means school jus started. bahhhh

why did my writing mood comes so early this time? becos i guess, i am dealing with much more emotions this time, this semester, this year.

i left singapore feeling different this summer, usually, it's relieve, becos after 3 years, shanghai is where i lived and grow, and make frens.
but instead, i hoped i can stay in singapore for a longer period. i hope instead, i had ended my course in shanghai.
bad i know... when i had my precious frens here.
but, my jiejie here told me all these explanations are rubbish. what i am feeling now is healthy and normal. why am i afraid of it? why, to the extend i am ashamed to feeling missed?

becos, u are really missed.

i always tried to have the "love is not everything" look or even mentality, becos i thought love is not everything. it's not the most serious stuff on earth, we need to expand beyond our most intimate relationships and explore deeper into the entire human race(which for some are the whole universe).

but now, i find myself succumbing to missing u.
terrible, i found out.
BUT, glad to find out i am actually a normal girl.

i wonder. what attracts me to u? always, but u said it's beyond words.
is it? but i answered it.
so i need not give an answer to this question? but as silly as i can(and i am), i think i got the answers.
BUT, of cos they are not actually enough.

or maybe, this question do not need an answer.. or maybe it's not even a question, both of us jus need to make a statement on it. and there.... both of us started to become "we".